"Arriving at home..."

Just an ordinary Saturday, driving home from the mall and my GPS spoke those three simple words to me, "arriving at home." At first, I laughed. Home? You call this my home? . And then, I cried. I literally sat in my parked car crying because I just realized I have no idea how I got here or when it got to this point.

I haven't written in my blog for a while because I didn't really know what to write. I know I could write about my kids, my new city, or my experience as a first year teacher. But deep down, I know I didn't want to write about my true feelings about this experience because I wanted to put on a happy face for everyone and tell them that everything was going well. I think I hit a breaking point today where it's time to face the music and maybe writing about it could be helpful or at least just a way to get it off my chest.

A year ago, if I had been shown a short video of what my life was going to be like in a year and I saw my current life, I don't know if I would have made the same decisions I did. Don't get my wrong, teaching is okay. Challenging to say the least, but it's okay. My kids, for the most part, are entertaining and make me want to work hard for them. I have a few situations in the classroom that I struggle with, but it's nothing that I haven't been able to handle. Teach For America is okay. I find myself managing the work, attending the sessions, and getting frustrated with the usual.

The part of this that I'm struggling the most with is where I fit into this picture. I have my classroom, I have my "home," I have my job, I have my commitment and that's about it. I don't really have much in Charlotte except for those listed. I go from work to home and repeat 5 days. I have some friends that I've known since June but no one else. I have nothing here. I don't DO anything. And on top of that, I feel constantly inadequate for the job that I was selected to have out of an enormous pool of applicants.

I've come to the conclusion that they need to put a disclaimer on the application where you sign a box agreeing to the fact that when you decide to do this, you put your own life on hold for two years. You don't think/talk of anything other than teaching, you go to bed at 9pm on weeknights and weekends because of the work load during the week, and you worry about your children, even when you are not with them. I attended the "Work/Life Balance" session TFA put on the other night and kind of laughed as a I entered. Why would I need to be there if I don't have the second half of the balance?

And yes, it's October, the hardest month of teaching. Yes, I am still getting over being really sick this week. I am aware of all the factors that go into this. I just never really thought I would be here, crying because of my GPS.

I miss college. I miss the familiarity of where I lived. I miss my friends that know me. I miss being able to walk on campus and run into someone I know in 5 seconds. I don't even feel like me. I was never the person to complain all the time. I'm supposed to be upbeat, bubbly Alyssa with not a care in the world.

I guess my question for now is does it ever get better?